Updated: Mar 10, 2021
I can confront anything; I’m a warrior.
I can learn anything; I’m life’s student.
I am not scared; I will overcome no matter the problem, the cost or burden. I will win because I am a winner.
Those highs man, riding that high, feeling bliss, everything is smooth and fun. The sun is warm and I am happy, not excited or calm, but eager in anticipating a future I want to live.
I want to feel, thinking of things I want to do.
I will confront nothing; I’m scared, I don’t want to fight.
I don’t care to learn; information is pointless.
We endure a moment; pointless; nothing; I see no reasons why. Nor do I care.
I’m scared of failure, of financial destitution, of drug addictions and my own flapping tongue. I’m weak. I give into temptation, to pleasure, to my own damn weaknesses—which are many— riding the roller coaster low.
Those lows man, they’re always waiting. Times when nothing feels meaningful, everything is as pointless as me. One step from failing - why bother to try, why bother to run, why bother to do anything at all? One choice from anger, that anger, anger brewing, festering, fermenting, disappointed at myself, at society, at stupidity. I don’t care of thoughts nor feelings. I don’t care of exercise or strength. I don’t care of anything at all.
I don’t know much of anything. To quote Queen, “past mistakes, I’ve made a few.” That is an understatement. I, as all of us, can blame who we are and what we do on other people, on our circumstances, on our natural make up. Sure we can and it’s not even wrong to interpret the world that way. What I am learning (slowly) is an emotional obligation we have to ourselves past that belief.
I owe Aaron the best Aaron I can be. I owe my family, my friends, my work mates, my employer, my neighbour; whoever it is ... we ought to create a better world, or at least not worsen it for our existence.
One wrong step, one poor action; we’ve all been there man; it’s called hell. I’m not talking an ancient fable, a burning bullshit built from fear mongering masses with guilt and shame of flames. I’m talking that hell inside your head, your thoughts of pointlessness, that hell of absent meaning. That feeling of nothing, waste, anger and destruction, lies and deceit, we all know hell.
For me its anger and withdrawing. I will isolate myself. I do it often. It’s a mix of fear and protection. I now stop myself doing things I wish weren’t assigned to my past name, but they are and so be it.
We are who we are and from myself or what I’ve done I do not cower.
And so, I became a student, learning from the things we do. It’s a roller coaster we all ride between good and bad, heaven and hell, terrible and decent; choose whichever opposing force fits your tune. I, like all of us, am learning how to hold on as I grow from my mistakes, my lies, my short comings and create something worth living.
I accept the lows as I accept the highs, this is the roller coaster we ride.